Picture this...

It's 3 am.

It's dark (of course it's dark, it's 3 freaking am and I don't live in a polar region).

It's quiet.

Suddenly... an ear splitting 'whoop whoop whoop' in the hallway.

Smoke alarm!!

I swear I was already out my bedroom door before I realised that I was not only awake, but upright and, er, out in the hallway.

The alarm stopped. I walked all around the house looking for something burning but zip. No fire. No pans left on, no appliances roasting themselves over an open flame, no candles burning (God forbid), nothing.

I stood in the hallway for a couple of minutes but everything remained silent so I hopped back into bed, dozed off, finally fell asleep again.

'WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP' yells the smoke alarm. I'm sure it was louder. Repeat sudden departure from warm bed. Repeat inspection of house. No hot stuff action, nothing.

Bastard.

I stood there, I watched the smoke alarm, daring it to whoop at me so I could whoop its ass. And I stood. And I stood a bit longer. And I stood some more. Finally, I headed towards my doorway.

"WHOOP WHOOP" screamed the smoke alarm.

I bet you already know what I said in return, eh?

I also took great delight in saying "that'll learn ya" as I knocked it down from the ceiling with a broom and removed its battery. I'll be doing the whooping around here, asshole.

OK so I replaced the battery tonight and tomorrow I will get Adam to stand on something and put it back up for me, but honestly, why couldn't it just be satisfied with a quiet but annoyingly insistent 'pip pip' when it wants a new one like it used to be, hmmm?

I'm too old for this shit, I really am.